Why I’m Struggling to Listen to Music Right Now

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I am really struggling to listen to music right now. In fact, over the past few months, I have barely listened to any music. I can’t really explain why, other then every single song that I hear reminds me of “normal life”. The life I am missing so terribly right now.

The minute a song starts, it takes me back to some sort of memory from the past. Maybe it was a memory of friends or a holiday. But my mind becomes bursting full. It takes me back to the period in my life when I would have listened to that song the most. Whether they were uni days, or days not even that long ago. All I know is that it takes me right back to when this wasn’t happening.

At times, I surprise myself with how well I am doing. But maybe it’s because I am in a weird sort of bubble that I have put over myself. A bubble where I have just pretended that life is paused. I just have to get through each day, doing my work, helping my children with their school work. Repeat.

It’s only when music plays that I realise that I’m not doing ok. I’m pretending. I’m pretending that things are ok when they’re not. How is this ok? How is being distanced from so many friends and family that I adore ok? How is not being able to pop to the shop for a little something ok? I can’t even order the birthday cards I want and need for my friends and family. When did that become such a complicated process? So no, it’s not ok. None of this is ok. 

Music reminds me of that.

Music is the soundtrack to my car journeys

I have ventured out only a small handful of times in the past few months.

I remember the first journey out so vividly, I listened to music the whole way to our click and collect and the whole way back, singing my lungs out, feeling the sun warm my face through the car window. I felt tears prick my eyes. They stung. I tried to blink them back and stay calm. Don’t pop the bubble. If the bubble pops, everything sets in. It sets in how rubbish this is right now. Then I won’t be able to pretend anymore and I don’t know how I will cope then. I’ll go back to how I was at the very beginning, when I cried morning, night and day for a week straight. That’s why I formed this protective bubble over me.

Listening to the songs, I closed my eyes. I pictured life before this. A whole life so far of memories rushed by. The tears then rolled ever so slowly down my face. I couldn’t stop them.

They fell. I held the music close to my heart. It reminded me of a beautiful life I have led.

Suddenly those moments that I’d struggled in my past all just washed away. All that remained was beautiful, meaningful memories with friends and family both past and present. It felt good.

Then the car stopped. The music stopped.

Cleaning motivation delivered by the tunes

The only other times I have listened to music is when I have been washing up and tidying. Music is great for motivation to get me to clear up quicker.

Although on these occasions I have been less emotional, it has still been difficult to listen to music. It all still brings back so many memories. That’s why I have chosen not to listen to any recently. Maybe that’s wrong of me. Let’s face it- music has always been a great healer. Maybe it can heal now. But right now, it reminds me too much of “Normal Life”. And that feels so far off, that I need to stay in this bubble for a while longer.

Have you listened to music in lockdown? Do you find it helps? Or are you like me and it brings back too many memories?

Why do I think social distancing will have an impact on mental health? Read here.

Read here for 12 Ideas For Things To Do In Isolation.

4 Things I Have Learnt From Six Weeks of Isolation

It has been over a month now since I started self-isolation and practising social distancing measures. One whole long, feels like a lifetime, month. In this time, I have laughed, I have cried and on the whole I have had a huge sense of surreal wash over my existence. What have I learnt then from one month of isolation?

Time Has Little Meaning

We are trying to keep with somewhat of a routine. We get up, get dressed and begin the day with school work. We also have lunch, dinners and try and do the same standard bedtime routine that we are used to. There is some relevance to the day we are on, but even then that’s lost some meaning.

The weeks seem to go quickly on the whole. But the days seem to be long. It’s reminding me of the early years of my children’s life, the days are long but the years are short. That was the phrase drilled in to my head, and boy was it true. Even the bad days that seemed never ending, eventually ended and before I knew it another month had gone by. That’s what’s happening now.

Each morning I wake up, saddened by the prospect of another day without being able to see those I love. Without being able to nip out for a coffee and cake with a friend, or take my children out somewhere fun for the day to explore. The day goes on and on. And then it’s nighttime. I go to bed sad, knowing that it’s Groundhog day.

Then before I know it, I realise it’s been weeks since I last hugged a friend, or dropped my kids off at school. It’s been weeks of this new normal. Time has lost meaning. I can’t use dates to really plan anything, only the odd call or work committment to schedule in.

You Realise Who’s Important To You

During this time you realise who you miss and who you wish you could see. I have really missed my friends and family. I’ve been wishing I could just see them one more time for a 10 minute coffee.

The friends that have stayed in touch, that have called me, FaceTimed me, they mean the absolute world. I miss them all so much but I know that when I see them that the time apart will be worth it. Time apart like this makes you appreciate things more. Boy, have I appreciated those friendships more. I’ve realised just how much people mean to me and how lucky I am to have them.

If during this time, you find that you don’t miss things or people so much, that you feel calmer and better without them- I think that is really telling. Hopefully this time will give you the strength to walk away from anything that no longer serves you- this is something that thankfully happened to me before Covid 19, so I am able to process this time far better.

If anything this time has made me feel closer to some people. As we have faced these fears and emotions together, and been a bit soppier than we would have usually. I’m not afraid to tell my friends that I miss them, I love them and I am lucky to have them.

You Appreciate The Little Things In Life

I have taken so much for granted, without really even realising. I’ve always been a grateful person usually. But this has taken that to a whole new level. Who knew that we would miss school runs? Trips to the super market? Being able to order food or go into any shop? Who knew that the coffee shops would shut down so you couldn’t even just pop in for a take away coffee, let alone see and catch up with those you adore.

If anything, the little things in life for me now have even more meaning. I will never look at life in the same way again. I don’t even know how or when normality will resume, but I know that I will never ever take any of it for granted again.

In Dark Times, Stars Shine

For me, I am noticing how kind and beautiful some souls are. In scary times, always look out for the helpers. They are the heroes. They are the ones that shine brighter than any stars.

From Joe Wicks delivering the nation’s PE lessons, to the headteachers of my children’s school sending out regular reassuring letters. Sometimes, its the little ways a person can help that make a vast difference in these turbulent times. Our local community set up a community support system, meaning those that are self-isolating didn’t need to leave to go and get medicines and food.

These times are dark, they are unsettling. But there will always be the silver linings. The kind people that help are the ones making this whole situation a whole lot better. They should always be remembered and appreciated after this.

All the key workers, bravely working throughout a time when they could be endangering theirs or their loved ones lives by just stepping out to go to work and keep the country running. Super market staff, NHS, fire fighters, police, lorry drivers, farmers, the list goes on- thank you all.

I have learnt a lot from one month of isolation. I have learnt that light can still shine in the dark times, that it’s ok if our usual modern day time and routine is washed away momentarily. Because all that matters is the people we love. Taking care of them, keeping them safe, keeping in touch. I know on the other side of this, that I will get to see those I love again. And I will never ever take them, or normal life for granted again.

What has one month in isolation taught you? Comment below, I would love to hear from you.

If you would like to hear my thoughts on why I think social distancing will have an impact on mental health, check out my blog here.

If you need some ideas on things to do in isolation, check out my blog here.